Mark Twain once said God's great cosmic joke on the human race was requiring that men and women live together in marriage." Considering the difficulty of living with another person day after day and the incredibly high divorce rate in this country, the humor of the quote begins to fade. One of the most difficult tasks to take on in life is to commit to living with another person. For many people, it's one of the best things they ever did and one of the hardest things they ever did. We go into marriage with such high hopes and expectations and then the reality of day-to-day living sets in, along with bills and different ways of doing things and maybe even children to add to the circus. By the time a couple enters my office, they are hurt, angry and bewildered. Most people come in not knowing whether they want to stay in the marriage or get out; they just know they can't take much more of how it has been. Only the most courageous of couples choose to take what they have and build a relationship that they can thrive in. There are many elements that go into a successful long-term marriage. Through my work with couples in counseling and workshops, I've been able to identify two key beliefs necessary for a great relationship. 2 key beliefs 1. We are on the same team While teammates from time to time may argue and disagree, they are working toward the same goals. In marriage, couples who are teammates are able to put the needs of the relationship above their own individual needs. Couples who are not teammates continually jockey for position and control in the relationship. It's a power struggle where no one wins. It's human nature to want to be right. For some people, it's a strong need. In any long-term relationship, continually battling to be right leads to resentment and power struggles. There are times when you get to be right only at the expense of the relationship. A good teammate sometimes gives up the ``right to be right'' in service of the relationship. 2. We are committed to our relationship Commitment is a word that can send people running in terror. It also can get couples through some of the roughest waters of marriage. True commitment means promising to do everything in your power to make the relationship work, day to day as well as over the long haul. In our fast-paced and instant culture, when some people bump into the difficult areas of marriage, they decide to throw this partner out and go find another one. Unless you work on what created the mess in the first place, you will just go out and find someone else with whom to create the same mess. Growth in marriage comes not only through commitment to another person, it comes through commitment to working through the rough times and getting through to the other side. Weathering storms together strengthens your marriage. |
