Everyone is quite familiar with the problem of physical and verbal abuse in relationships. It sometimes seems to be running rampant in todays society. These relationship demons are very difficult to deal with and produce such a large amount of pain and suffering. However, there is another form of abuse does not seem to be given the attention that it warrants. This is emotional abuse. Some people have put emotional abuse into the same category as verbal abuse. This is a common misunderstanding, and the victims of emotional abuse need to understand the difference of these two forms of mistreatment and to learn that they are not alone. To realize you are a victim of this abuse can then free you to take steps to leaving the relationship in which you are the wounded. Verbal abuse is the form of abuse in which one person in the relationship verbally attacks the other. There is an endless array of verbal demeaning statements. Commonly known ones are along the lines of Youre stupid, Youre ugly, You cant do anything right. The perpetrator uses insulting language to degrade the victim and produce a feeling of worthlessness. Emotional abuse is quite different. When a person is deeply in love with another, they sometimes form a very strong need to please the other. The perpetrator plays off this need and can wreck havoc in the mind of the victim. There are many variations of emotional abuse; however, we will touch on some of most frequent. One way in which people can be emotionally abusive to another is to deprive them of communication. When the perpetrator is irrationally angry with the other, they may cut off all means of contact. The victim, feeling lost, will repeatedly telephone the other, try to locate them, send endless instant messages, or even send letters via postal mail. The the person responsible for the emotional abuse, in their twisted thinking, will ignore all of the victims efforts, as a form of punishment. This can leave the victim feeling hopeless and confused, thus when the perpetrator finally resumes communication, the victim will actually thank them profusely for recommencing contact! All talk of the fact that the abuser disappeared for that time of punishment is ignored, as the victim tries to please the abuser, and does not wish to prompt another reason for a disappearance. Another commonly used approach of an emotional abuser is to place any and all blame of irrational anger onto the victim. We will use the fictional names of Steve and Kathy to play out a scenario of this type. Steve tells Kathy that he lost quite a bit of money in his attempt to play the stock market. Kathy shows concern and talks to Steve regarding the awful feeling of losing money. Steve responds defensively, accusing Kathy of only caring about money, and loving money more than she loves him. The next week, Steve tells Kathy that he spent a good amount of money playing the lottery and lost it all. Kathy now, based on her experience, tells Steve that it is no big deal and she proceeds to try to change the subject to a more pleasant one. Steve responds in anger, accusing Kathy of not caring at all of his money situation and telling her that she certainly can not be loving towards him if she does not even care that he lost money. Kathy cannot win. No matter what approach she takes to please Steve, he will find a reason to be angry with her. Kathy is now feeling frustrated and confused. She may question Steve on his reasoning, to no avail. No matter what logic she implements, Steve will find a way to warp her words and put only himself in a good light. Kathy is in a no-win situation and she is being emotionally abused. Simply game playing is a very common and widespread form of abuse. This can cover a wide range of behavior. A person may act caring one moment and distant the next. This can force the victim to be constantly in a state of worry and never fully knowing where the relationship stands. A person may endlessly break promises, causing the victim to feel hopeless with no feeling of security or safety from the other persons words. The abuser may casually mention the attention he or she is receiving from members of the opposite sex. This is done in an attempt to cause jealousy from the victim and instill a feeling of low self-esteem. One person in the relationship may constantly threaten to leave forever or never speak again. This threat is empty and is only told to the victim to infuse a panic of a breakup. It is usually futile to try to change the behavior of another person. Someone who is emotionally abusive will most probably continue to be so. A strong desire to change and perhaps a large amount of counseling may produce some beneficial results. However, the majority of emotionally abusive people fail to recognize their behavior as being damaging. Since admitting ones faults is the key to fixing them, it can be a long and usually painful journey to attempt to change the persons core behavior. There is no one who deserves to be on the receiving end of emotional abuse. A relationship with this element will eventually break down the very heart of the victims self-worth and self-esteem. The relationship will persistently be stormy and unstable. The victim will be incessantly in a state of disturbance. Once this form of treatment is identified as abuse, the victim may then understand that he or she need not allow it. When confronted, the abuser may promise to stop his behavior, causing the victim to have a temporary relief, only to find that the emotional abuse continues after a day or two. It is at this time, when the victim realizes the mistreatment they are receiving, that they should strongly consider the option of leaving the relationship. Emotional abuse is abuse. It need not be tolerated. The victim of this abuse may find that the abuser has lowered their self-worth so greatly, that leaving the relationship does not seem to be a viable solution. Speaking with friends and family may help. It is common for victims to keep their experiences of abuse to themselves and expressing the emotional pain they have endured can be freeing. One-on-one counseling may be helpful, as the victim can learn to take control of his or her life. Ideally, if someone recognizes this treatment for what it is, they will take control of their own life immediately. Leaving the abuser and giving themselves the freedom to pursue a meaningful and peaceful life should be their goal. |
