You are hurt, you are angry, you are simply devastated. Things will never be the same again. The only winning choice and a source of hope is for the both of you to decide to make things better than they were before. You probably have a million questions. Some of these need to be answered, some do not. You have to be wise enough to ask yourself if you really want to know the answer to a particular question. Learning how to trust again is not easy. You certainly will wonder how you will know you're not being fooled again. The only consistently successful answer I have is, does the behavior match the words? People can fake it a while, but over time, if the behavior does not match the words, it will be exposed. Affairs are always a choice. Nothing in a marriage or any other situation can make a person have an affair. At the same time, part of the healing is facing the question: What has been missing in our marriage to cause my partner to be with someone else? This is such a difficult issue to face, and I'll probably get nasty letters on this one, but it is a necessary part of the healing process. Here's an even harder issue: forgiveness. It is absolutely unfair that one person has an affair and the other partner has to do the difficult work of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not condoning what was done, letting your partner off the hook, or allowing yourself to get fooled and hurt again. Forgiveness is releasing yourself from the long-term pain of what has happened. It may not happen right away, it may take a long, long time, but it is necessary at some point. |
