Anger is a valid emotion. It tells the individual that something is wrong within themselves or between themselves and someone else, and it needs to be resolved. Anger is an emotion and rage is an action that is acted out either physically, sexually, or verbally. Because so many men and women have grown up in verbally abusive households, they often do not recognize verbal abuse in the middle of an angry discord with their partner or other individual. Although they may not recognize it as verbal abuse, they recognize the relationship is harmed by the use of words that demean the other individual and devalues their relationship. It is my intention to bring to your understanding the ways that verbal abuse escalates anger and does little to resolve the issues at hand. Some of these categories of verbal abuse may be familiar to you and some will kind of challenge your understanding of what verbal abuse really is and how it works against the relationship. Verbally abusive relationships are rampant today. It filters down from the home to the work place and out into the broader community. Smaller children are using it more and more with their peers. Guess where they are learning it? The act of name calling has been around for a long time. Name calling is demeaning, hurtful, and it discredits the individual. Name calling is used to make the other individual feel less than and become submissive to the perpetrator. Usually, the one doing the name calling has self-esteem issues that mirror what he or she thinks of him/herself. Judging or criticizing another individual is another way of making the individual feel they arent good enough. This form of verbal abuse states that somehow they would be a better individual if they acted in a way the perpetrator believes they should act. Being judged by another simply makes one want to retreat within, unless they have a strong sense of self-worth and are able to thwart off such abuse. Children and partners are often threatened by the perpetrator. Threatening creates fear, submission, and compliance (if only for the moment). Threats are often followed through with physical abuse. Again, this behavior is not anger; this is rage anger gone awry! Accusations and blaming your partner is ones inability to take responsibility for his/her own actions, shortcomings, or blunders. In this category, blaming is a way of taking the heat away from the perpetrator and putting it out onto the other person. In this way, the perpetrator does not have to take any responsibility for his/her behavior. Many individuals use trivializing or joking as a way of minimizing the situation that may be a serious matter to the other individual. When the joking or trivializing is not found acceptable by the other individual, anger flares and verbal abuse escalates from both sides. But I wasnt lying to you; I just didnt tell you everything! Withholding is also a way of being verbally abusive. Oh, I know, youre probably saying, If I told her everything, I would be in bigger trouble and wed just end up in a horrible fight! Well, guess what you just dug a deeper hole for yourself by withholding pertinent information. Passive behavior or using words that undermine the other person is another form of verbal abuse. Not saying what you mean and going behind their back to make things happen unbeknown to the other individual that undermines their position is abusive. Telling your partner you will do one thing, but know full-well you dont intend to follow through with your promise is undermining your partner. Listening is an artful skill in developing a healthy communication bridge between yourself and the other person. However, it is not unusual for a person who is listening to another individual to formulate his/her response as he/she listens to the other individual. The response that can be abusive is one that discounts or counters the other individual without fully considering what it is that they had to say. It is an immediate dismissal of what the other person had to offer because you, the perpetrator of this abuse, do not value your partners opinion. Other categories of verbal abuse fall under forgetting (a convenience to not have to take responsibility for failure to follow through I forgot becomes an all-too-common of a tool for some people; Denial falls similarly in the forgetting category if I deny it, itll go away. Besides, prove it! Ordering another person into submission to do something you want is also an abusive tactic; we have no control over others, only ourselves. The military commands orders; got a strong need to command orders, join the armed forces. The final category I want to address is blocking and diverting. This is more about physical control that incorporates threats, undermining, ordering, name calling, supported by accusing and blaming, all to block and divert the other individuals intentions. As I work with men on anger issues, I find that these were often the ways of communicating they learned while growing up. Feelings are often lacking in these verbal discords; thinking is the driving force behind their usage of verbal attacks. It is about power and control over others because they often feel little to no self-control over their own lives. This runs contrary to some beliefs that men are more abusive because they can be it is expected and accepted; the truth is, men who are abusive is because they lack a sense of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-control. And, primarily, they lack the inner knowledge of their feelings or how to deal with them appropriately. This is not an excuse; it is the reality of the way men deal with the shame and guilt they have grown up with. Through proper anger management, they learn new ways of relating, recognizing and expressing feelings, and better deal with the inflammatory thoughts that roam their thinking. Anger, if left unattended and managed, can kill! |
