I recently watched a fellow motorist lose his temper with another driver who had cut him up on the motorway. He made all kinds of rude gestures with his hands, was clearly shouting expletives at the top of his voice and generally going red in the face! To the onlooker (i.e. Me) this was actually quite funny to watch and I had a quiet little giggle to myself at his expense. But it did get me thinking. It's not unusual for my clients to talk to me in terms of anger - they're angry at whoever they perceived caused them to be the way they are; it might be parents, a spouse, the boss or the whole world. It seems we're a pretty anger ridden society. And anecdotal evidence suggests that we're getting angrier. But why? And what for? I always, always tell my clients that anger is simply a representation of fear. The guy on the motorway is fearful for his safety and so vents his feelings via an angry display. But what's the point? It's unlikely the other motorist had any idea what he was doing. He almost certainly didn't do it deliberately or with malicious intent. Sure he was careless, but does that merit anger? Anger achieves nothing - except an early death from a heart attack or similar. Be careful though - this is not about repressing or hiding your anger - that can be just as harmful. This article is about dissipating it, freeing yourself. Once you realise that you're expressing your fears through anger, then it's possible to liberate yourself from your anger. Have a think about what it is that you're scared of in life, then think about the situations in which you get angry. I'll bet you'll find a pretty good correlation between the two. Then ask yourself why you're frightened of these things. Expressing anger because, for example, you've been called a rude name by someone gets you nowhere. Think about it. Most of us want to be liked by others. We're most likely afraid of social rejection, so being called a nasty name, or having verbal abuse thrown at us, touches some very sensitive buttons. And we get angry. But if someone picks on me because, say, I have green eyes, that is their prejudice, not mine. I'm not about to take on board their issues and neuroses. I just walk away. His neuroses are for him to deal with, not for me. So I don't get angry. What, after all, is the point? If he doesn't like me because I have green eyes, then he is the one with the issue, not me. Shrug the shoulders, move on. It's an approach that's a lot less hassle, less stressful and less time consuming than getting angry! In addition to this, there are some great coping strategies you can do for yourself. Here are some ideas for you... Modelling: The concept of modelling is well known in the world of NLP. Think of someone you know and admire. In the context of anger management somebody who you look up to as being a paragon of calmness; someone whose feathers are never ruffled; someone you wish you could emulate. Now, close your eye and visualise this person. See his or her features, the clothes he/she is wearing. Hear what he/she is saying and really take in that calm, clear headed mood. Now, here comes the fun bit. In your mind's eye, step into that person's body. It's a bit like the scene from Ghost, where Patrick Swayze's character steps into ................ character's body and takes it over. Except you're going to step into your role model's body and his or her characteristics are going to take YOU over. Really imagine what it's like to be that person, feel their calmness and placid attitude sweeping over you. Yes, I know it's a weird idea - but stay with me on this! Now, when you're ready anchor the sensations. What this means is do something like touch your index finger to your thumb just as you're reaching a peak of calmness. The next time you feel that anger rising, fire off the anchor. Touch your index finger to your thumb and notice the difference it makes. As always practice makes perfect. One session of doing this probably won't make much impact, so do it on a regular basis (at least daily to start with). Dr Feelgood: when was the last time you felt really good about yourself? When did you feel really happy? Maybe it was a wedding, or a birthday party. Perhaps it was that time you landed a spectacular deal at work. This is similar to the modelling detailed above, but here we're going to elicit a mood change by having you recall that wonderful time in your life when....well, whatever it might be! Sit or lie down and close your eyes. Think of that time. Making it truly vivid in your mind, take yourself back to that time, as if you were actually there, now. How good does that feel? Look at the happy faces around you. Hear the adulation, the applause or the laughter. Use all of your senses. Your mood is changing, your spirits lifting - doesn't that feel nice? Now, I'm not suggesting you'll necessarily feel that same rush of adrenalin that you did the first time round when you went through this experience, however by doing this you ARE creating some very real chemical changes in your brain. The seratonin begins to flow as you think about this happy experience. The change may be subtle and almost imperceptible, or it may be dramatic. Either way you are creating change in your body and mind. Once again, you can anchor it if you wish in the same way as described above. Again, do this regularly and it does make a difference. Meditate on this Man....Far out! There are a number scientific studies out there on the beneficial effects of meditation. For instance, researchers at Yale, Harvard, Massachusetts General Hospital, and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology recently proved that meditation is associated with increased cortical thickness - in other words it actually changes the structure of you brain! Now in fairness, I don't think that particular study focussed on the effects on anger. BUT - any form of meditation, Yoga or, wait for it... self-hypnosis, if practised on a regular basis, can beneficially affect your attitudes, blood pressure, breathing rates, anxiety levels and so on. As a society we're rushing around popping anti-anxiety pills when Mother Nature has already given us the perfect remedy - our minds! So do engage in regular meditation or self hypnosis. In my view, anything which helps you relax on a regular basis has got to be a good thing! And the next time someone cuts ME up on the motorway? Well, as long it's not a malicious act, I'll probably shrug my shoulders and carry on. It was a mistake - his mistake, not mine. I'll stick a CD in the car stereo and sing to myself with a big smile on my face. |
