When a nuclear family separates, it usually separates into a "custodial" family and a "non-custodial" family. The custodial family is the parent with whom the children reside on a day-to-day basis. Most often, it's the Mother. The non-custodial family is the other parent - usually Dad - and the children when they are with him. It ALSO includes ALL the relatives on Dad's side of the family: grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. THESE relatives are VITAL in your children's lives, but how often do you think your ex will let THEM have time with the children? Remember - when you two broke up, the kids lost YOUR half of the family (that's sarcasm, not reality).

Dad usually gets "visitation" with his children. Some states refer to it as "parenting time," recognizing that he maintains his status as parent, but still distinguishing that his time with his children is regulated. For families which - prior to the separation - had Dad in the home, seeing the children every day, interacting with the kids on a regular basis, probably the single most traumatic event is when the kids realize that they won't see Dad every day. The single most on-going trauma occurs to kids when the visitation schedule is interfered with by Mom.

Now, this does not occur in every case, but it happens often enough. "Standard" visitation is alternating weekends and one evening per week. This is imposed because Moms, courts, and experts put forth that more frequent visitation is "disruptive" to the children and that kids should not be "bounced back and forth." Courts NEVER consider that the children are not affected AT ALL by changes in OTHER schedules - teachers change, team practices or games schedules change, even schools change, and Courts don't consider THESE "disruptive." Only time with Dad is "disruptive."

For kids that have gone from seeing Dad 30 times a month to 8 times a month, there IS nothing more disruptive! For kids that have gone from learning from, and being loved on a daily basis, by TWO parents to the sole CONTROL of one parent, there is NO bouncing that is more disruptive. If Dad is denied ONE weekend, his time with his children is reduced by 25%. Somehow, THAT disruption is never considered. Also never considered is the REAL disruption that occurs on the "one night per week": kids get bundled up, travel with Dad, get unbundled, eat dinner, maybe do homework, get bundled up again, travel back, get unbundled at Mom's house, and get ready for bed. Doesn't it make more sense to stay OVERNIGHT with Dad on this visit?

Where the children had Dad in the house on a daily basis, Courts need to consider schedules that provide the kids with more regular visit - daily after school, or every other day, or more mid-week overnight visitations. Childen who do not see their father are more likely to be abused by a boyfriend or step-father, abuse drugs,or engage in criminal activity. Frequent visitation may be one way to stem this terrible tide.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Before a final visitation schedule is set up, you MUST create a log of what your contact had been with the children, even if you have to re-create it from memory. If you are following a temporary visitation schedule, keep a log of each time you see the children - each time you are REFUSED time with your children - and each time you REQUEST time with your children. Also, have relatives request the child. REMEMBER - the child has grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins that they don't see it you don't see the kids!!!

If you have a visitation schedule in place and are seeking to change it to 50/50: keep the above logs; become friendly with your children's teachers, club leaders, etc. (because your children may be telling them that they want to be with you more), ASK for your kids FREQUENTLY. While it's painful to hear "No" over and over, you NEED to show that you are interested in seeing your children.

FIGHT every denial of time, every change in schedule, every "the children have plans" excuse. Some states permit ploice reports to made of visitation interference. The most common tool is a Petition For Contempt. Some states permit an order (a form of injunctive relief) that demands that visitation occur IF your child support is current AND there are not pending allegations of abuse (in other words, get YOUR demand on file BEFORE she files off some bogus allegation against you).