"I'm thoroughy disgusted with you."

Or something similar.

That's another one I heard growing up and I gotta tell you, it stuck with me for a long time.

It's perfectly OK to be angry, frustrated, even disgusted by your child's behavior. Welcome to parentng a teenager.

What you don't want to do is to shame your teen.

The crucial distinction to be made here is the difference between feeling ashamed and feeling shame. While these two words are only separated by the letter "a", they are vastly different in emotional impact.

Ashamed is the appropriate guilt we feel when we have done something wrong. It allows for change.

Shame is what we feel when we believe we are something wrong. It doesn't allow for change.

I once saw a situation that just hurt my heart. I parent had taken a little girl, not more than 7, back to the grocery store because she had stolen something. Taking her back to fix the situation was the right thing to do. The thing that crushed me was that the parent had hung a sign around the little girl's neck that said "I stole from this store."

That's a painful example of shaming a child instead of letting them feel ashamed of what they did.

ParentTip - Sometimes we know the right thing to day, we just can't find the words. I'll help you out - it's

"I don't like what you did"

vs.

"I don't like who you are."

Jeff Herring

Jeff is a marriage and family therapist, singles and relationship coach, mentor coach, speaker, syndicated relationship columnist and author.

Jeff has a full time private practice in Tallahassee in which he specializes in couples, teen and parent counseling. He also is a relationship coach specializing in working with couples and singles. Some of his professional activities include:

==> Internationally syndicated relationship columnist through Knight-Ridder/Tribune Media Services, with a weekly readership of over 10 million worldwide

==> Sought after speaker for organizations, associations, churches, and corporations

==>Twice weekly appearances on The Steve and Sara Show on Magic 107.1

==> Author of "Keep the Changes: 52 Tools for Successful Living" a collection of his best columns, as well as several e-books including "How to Create a Passionate and Loving Relationship.........Forever," "How to Beat the BOZOs: Dealing with difficult people without becoming one," and "Tame Your Teen: THE survival guide for parenting your teenager.

==> Founder and CEO of TheArticleGuy.com

==> Founder and CEO of SecretsofGreatRelationships.com

==> Founder and CEO of ParentingYourTeeanger.com

==> Founder and CEO of ToolsforSuccessfulLiving.com

==> President of BuildingYourIdealPractice.com

==> President of ConsciousDatingTallahassee.com