Attention, conspiracy theorists: We are happy to announce the next New York Times best seller, "The Gospel of Judas." Soon to be a major motion picture starring Tom Hanks -- wait, scratch that last part; that was "The DaVinci Code."

A recently translated codex that scholars purport to be the long-lost "Gospel of Judas" is supposedly shaking up traditional views of Christianity by depicting Judas as Jesus' best friend and a bearer of "secret knowledge" who was only following Jesus' orders when he sold out to the Pharisees.

"Judas the hero" is the headline of the day on TV, radio, Web sites and newspapers.

From all the media hoopla, you'd think clergy across the land were shrugging their shoulders in futility and shutting the church doors, never to sermonize again.

It's the same sort of glee with which the media trumpeted the success of "The DaVinci Code" and with which they tout any discoveries that "challenge" traditional Christianity.

The appropriate response from Christians should be a collective yawn.

The relationship of "The Gospel of Judas" to the facts of Jesus' life is akin to the relationship of the pop song "Rock Me, Amadeus" to classical music.

The earliest mention of a "Gospel of Judas" comes from St. Irenaeus, circa 180 A.D., in "Adversus Haeresis" (Against Heresy). Irenaeus refers to a Gnostic sect calling itself Cainites. In their gospel, according to Irenaeus, Judas was portrayed as a man who knew secret lore about Cain and other "truths" that led him to betray Jesus.

The recently translated manuscript is the only known copy of "The Gospel of Judas." It surfaced sometime in the 1990s and has been carbon dated back to the third or fourth centuries. The translation of the manuscript portrays Judas as following Jesus' orders when he went to the temple and sold out the Messiah.

Part of the translation says of Judas in relation to the other disciples: "But you will exceed all of them. For you will sacrifice the man that clothes me."

So, far from betrayer, Judas is the enabler, even a hero. Holy plot twist!

Actually, it's just typical Gnostic fluff, but this story has legs for the same reason "The DaVinci Code" became a best seller. Both are suited perfectly to take advantage of the public's ignorance of history.

There are plenty of Gnostic so-called "gospels" floating around, most of them claiming to relate the "real story" about some aspect of Jesus' life that was overlooked by the accepted Gospels and apostolic writings. This was the inspiration for "The DaVinci Code" and the book "Holy Blood, Holy Grail" years before it. According to Bible revisionists, these widely accepted gospels were excised from the Bible by closed-minded men at the Council of Nicaea who forced people to accept the radical notion that Jesus was divine.

Reality check: The Council of Nicaea dealt with the issue of Arianism, which denied that Jesus and the Father were equal. Of the 250-300 bishops present, only a few opposed the Nicene Creed as it was formulated. Their opposition was to the use of wording that was not in the Bible, though not to the ideas expressed in the creed. The supposed "new idea" of Jesus as divine had already been accepted doctrine since the first century. By the way, the other burning issue at this gathering of supposed radicals? When to celebrate Easter.

No editing. No burning of heretics. No suppression of ideas. The bishops merely expressed very succinctly what had always been Christian canon.

The simple fact is that Gnostic groups were never as widely popular as revisionists would have us believe. They weren't even a cohesive movement, but just a variety of cultic groups who held several general views in common, among them that creation itself is flawed and evil; the body is a hindrance, a mere vessel for the more-important spirit; women especially are corrupt; and one can only be saved by "secret" knowledge which -- big surprise -- the cult was the keeper of.

Such groups existed before Jesus' time, and when Christianity began to grow, cult leaders must have realized a bonanza when they saw it. Previously, the cults' "mysteries" were linked to various mythological characters and pantheons. The opportunity to link them to a historical figure whose actions had taken on legendary proportions must have been seen as highly lucrative.

These Gnostic cults were elitist, and their members took a dim view of the rapidly spreading Christianity. The pagan philosopher Celsus complained that Christians did not demand virtue and wisdom as prerequisites for salvation, whereas the mystery cults preserved their knowledge for the elect. Naturally, the more money a potential initiate spread around, the greater his "virtue."

"The Gospel of Judas" is no different. Written very late to be considered in any way authoritative, it also faces the unique difficulty that its supposed source, Judas, killed himself. I suppose that Judas conceivably could have thrown the 30 silver coins back in Caiaphas' face, stopped off for coffee, and written down or related the "real" events of the previous week before going off to hang himself, but I find myself strangely skeptical on this point.

But loose facts and logic never stopped a good story. Maybe Tom Hanks will be available for this movie, too: "Life is like a box of bad chocolates. You never know when one will turn on you."